new year rhythms

I've never been much for New Years resolutions... mostly because I've never seen the beginning of January as the start of something new. A set of different numbers to sign on documents (but really, I rarely sign documents) - but one day progresses into another as always. The beginning of a new year might very well be my birthday, or the day the kids start a new school year, or a random Tuesday in May when I decide I'm not going to be held captive by all the things holding me back any longer.

But, this month is actually is a dramatic beginning of sorts. It's the beginning of an entirely new season in my life. Harrison and Madyline are at camp till Sunday so Avery and I are having a special week of delight. Then next week they will all have their first day at their new school. Since 2006 I have been a home school mom and teacher. First with one child... then three children... then two children. Next week Wednesday will be the first day in more than 4 and a half year that my kids will be in school - and I will be alone, with no curriculum to write, no science projects to prepare for, no papers to grade. I will have hours of undisturbed quiet. I will have freedom in my days to work on projects or programs without feeling guilty that the kids are home alone again. I am looking into a blank space with opportunities for new rhythms. This both encourages and overwhelms me.

I can fill an entire journal with the things I'd love to change about myself. Sugar addictions I've been battling for as long as I've known myself - a serious aversion to exercise - desires to play the piano, write music, create art - dreams of being well read, well learned, well spoken. But that's not what this is about, is it? There are times I can get so weighed down by my guilt list that I can have no energy to spend on what really matters no matter the day, no matter the season ::: filling my days in ways that will help me be beautifully productive, and to grow into more of who I am meant to be. And when i say productive... I guess i don't mean that i check off a lot of list items on a daily to-do list. I mean more that I am not passive with my own life and choices. I can choose to live intentionally. Something I have always been able to choose - now I just get to have an alternate focus. (Although, as a parent, when do we ever truly have a focus outside the best for our kids? But i think you probably know what I mean here.... yes?)

It's the beginning of all things new and yet a continuation of all things that already are. I have ideas... ideas i will, no doubt, journal about in the next few days. Roll them around in my mind - decide whether or not my ideas are actually tools that will give me a platform to be myself, only more. I'll try a few of them out... am I really still a runner after all these years of not running? Do I actually enjoy poetry or have I simply admired others who do? Am i actually a better writer in the early morning hours? If so, what does that mean for my schedule? What gives me energy so I have plenty of myself to be generous with? I think we all need a lot of prayers - but I am certain that exciting things are ahead. I feel a whole lot of positive anticipation. Actively choosing what will make me into more of who i am created to be.... of who I already am. Let the new year begin.