22 October 2010

little ones

You have to know how I feel about kids. Especially little kids. Smooshy fingered, jelly faced little kids. Their world seems so small, but really the amount of mystery, focus, trial, collapse and triumph that takes place in a little one's day equals out to more than some of us experience in a full year. And then they wake up the next day fully expecting to go into it all again.

I miss having little ones around our house. I miss playdough and picture books the magic of walking around the block to collect fall leaves. I miss watching personalities evolve and language being discovered in often funny combinations and that look in their eyes when they've "got it" that says the entire world is all right.

I'd always thought we'd adopt ... to make our family fuller. Boys. Brothers. Harrison has lived out his life surrounded by girls and he's always wanted a brother. But in my mind, he'd need a couple of brothers. There are so many kids who have lost the adults in their lives , they shouldn't have to loose each other in the aftermath. So, if we were going to adopt, I'd imagine we'd adopt a set of brothers. Two or maybe even three. But God has had another direction in mind for our lives and has brought us here instead -even though we are surrounded by kids who have gone through loss & need a family, being an American means the adoption process for us would be very difficult - and expensive...

In all of this, God has brought me kids to love - even if just for a moment. Kids to laugh with, to teach, to pray with and snuggle. Kids to play games and sing songs and create artwork with and celebrate life with.

Sometimes I still get broody... I still dream of singing a pair of little brothers to sleep after our bedtime story has finished. My heart chases a toddler across the street wanting to scoop him up in my arms. But I can't mourn something that isn't. I am surrounded by love - by children - by laughter and song. By my own squirrly teenagers who still love to curl up and watch a movie with me (especially when I have popcorn). By many other kids who run in and out of our days. And I'm happy to get to be even a small part of their lives.

(my baby/not-so-baby)

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